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Speedhaven was a one-night speed-writing competition at Inkhaven Fair, 25 April 2026. Writers raced the clock; the audience picked the winners.
12 rounds · 46 essays

🏆 Winners

13 entries
Should cat eats be mandatory, period?

Bangbangbang! Chloe ran down the alley as the spotlights searched for her silloutte. "That woman has no cat ears!" Shit. She had to make…

🏆 Winner 11 votes 175 words
What is the one true conspiracy theory?

The pyramids weren't built by mankind. The stone blocks were too heavy. They weren't built by aliens, either. Why would aliens bother? Something strong…

🏆 Winner 9 votes 194 words
That time I was a camboi

They called me 'the hotdog.' I was known for plumb buns and a long schlong. But that wasn't where the nickname came from. It…

🏆 Winner 9 votes 195 words
We should feed dead bodies to rats. Discuss.

Every few years, I hear about a new thing which should probably be supplemented in my diet. Most recently, glycine. Apparently a standard modern…

🏆 Winner 8 votes 200 words
Yelp review of the garden of Eden

Two stars. It's very pretty, but what's the use if they won't even let you in? I registered with the app like I was…

🏆 Winner 7 votes 199 words
If Soylent is made of people, what is Huel made of?

It's widely known that Soylent is made of people, as revealed in the 1973 documentary "Soylent Green". This led to significant public outcry about…

🏆 Winner 6 votes 233 words
Bottomless pit supervisor

Performance Review: Aaron Gertler, Bottomless Pit Supervisor (Level III) I have some concerns about Aaron's performance. He claims to be monitoring the pit, but…

🏆 Winner 6 votes 297 words
Why you shouldn’t apply for Inkhaven 3

you have a life, right? you have a family. you have presumably lots of things you'd like to be doing. you know what is…

🏆 Winner 6 votes 272 words
The Best Little Wordhouse in Texas

i cannot believe that i had to learn an entire texas accent for this residency it was exhausting having to drawl the entire time.…

🏆 Winner 5 votes 230 words
Jabberwocky.

'twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe, all mimsy were the borogoves and the mome raths outgrabe the…

🏆 Winner 5 votes 268 words
Jabberwocky.

The jabberwocky has got me in its gibberjaws. Its going to eat me skin and all Its going to eat me raw I'm cooked…

🏆 Winner 5 votes 60 words
Psycho street fighting!!!1

Freud and Jung faced down in the back alley with a crowd behind them, sleeves rolled up. "You want to fuck your mother," said…

🏆 Winner 5 votes 165 words
Getting mogged at confession

So I walk in there, and if im being honest I wasn't really feeling it. If i'm being honest, I woke up with a…

🏆 Winner 3 votes 304 words

Every other essay

33 entries
We should feed dead bodies to rats. Discuss.

"The rats keep eating all our grain" said Lyra. "We keep building up the reserves, but they empty out too quickly and people die…

5 votes 175 words
If Soylent is made of people, what is Huel made of?

RECIPE FOR ONE (1) HUEL - tongue of dog - eye of newt - dandruff from joe bidemn - the jelly that is inside…

5 votes 127 words
What is the one true conspiracy theory?

There is one true conspiracy theory. There is no question about it. Cats rule the world. How could this possible be wrong? It goes…

4 votes 115 words
The Best Little Wordhouse in Texas

The first thing I noticed when I arrived, was the walls were covered in scribbles. People had been ppouring their words onto the walls,…

3 votes 227 words
Should cat eats be mandatory, period?

Cat ears are great! And I think everyone should be wearing them. They mkae people cuter, which probably have all sort of good downstream…

3 votes 217 words
Psycho street fighting!!!1

the world is naturally hierarchical. it's like the anime kill la kill. i'm out here psychoanalyzing the local hobo and exploring his interiority. by…

3 votes 205 words
If Soylent is made of people, what is Huel made of?

You might think that huel is made of fuel, long chains of carbon hydrates condensed in deep geological layers from eons past. A product…

3 votes 134 words
The Best Little Wordhouse in Texas

You enter the disty wordhouse, and hear some vague murmors of adjectives and adverbs. The crowd in the dim light looks like they are…

3 votes 173 words
We should feed dead bodies to rats. Discuss.

people care too much about having sacred rituals for burying the dead much of religions is about dealing with the tragedy it's better for…

3 votes 166 words
Should cat eats be mandatory, period?

Today we live in a world full of overprofessionalization. People dress up in stuffy suits to try to impress others. We need to move…

3 votes 221 words
Psycho street fighting!!!1

My pappy taught me how to always win a fight. When the big guy came for you, drop your trousers, drop your pants, get…

3 votes 237 words
If Soylent is made of people, what is Huel made of?

replicants. harder, purer like a fremen jawline. taste tossed aside even more eagerly. better for YOU, who i want in the intellectual army. soylent…

2 votes 185 words
Should cat eats be mandatory, period?

obvioualy so. cat ears are the lowest-effort intervention on attractiveness in the world. we can compare them to other ears... have u ever heard…

2 votes 163 words
Why you shouldn’t apply for Inkhaven 3

Can you imagine being a fucking Resident at Inkhaven 3? That's absolutely repugnant, not just on a creative level, but EPISTEMICALLY. Kyle Scott should…

2 votes 307 words
That time I was a camboi

Camboi is a very good profession. Very clean. I would work at the cam factory, making cams. You know, that kind of non-circular mechanical…

2 votes 274 words
That time I was a camboi

One, eventually, learns to manage attention. You need to provide just the right amount of responsiveness to your fans—it isn't enough for them to…

2 votes 191 words
Getting mogged at confession

"Father, I need confession." "Come here, sheep of my flock. Let us go into the booth and do the ritual sacrament." Robert and his…

2 votes 215 words
Why you shouldn’t apply for Inkhaven 3

It was a miracle that the first Inkhaven worked, and a second miracle that the second has not yet ended in disaster, but a…

2 votes 204 words
Yelp review of the garden of Eden

The first thing one notices when entering eden is the attire. Or rather, the lack thereof. No one was wearing anything at all. Which…

2 votes 216 words
What is the one true conspiracy theory?

Madonna. The woman, the hero, the genius. Who is Madonna? Who is she truly? Conspiracies abound. Madonna appears to be a woman; she appears…

2 votes 151 words
Bottomless pit supervisor

I was at the end of my wit. I had taken all sorts of odd jobs, and been fired from all of them. I…

1 vote 217 words
Jabberwocky.

"Jabberwocky!" cried the MC The entire crowd erupted in cheers. "Jabberwocky! Jabberwocky!" No one knew what this word meant. Well, maybe some of those…

1 vote 235 words
That time I was a camboi

I sold cameras with my jaunty newsboy cap. I was the best camera seller in the entire American Southwest. I also did sex work,…

1 vote 283 words
Getting mogged at confession

bo bless me father for i have sinned father have you? bo i have, i totally have though father sure sure yeah go ahead…

1 vote 277 words
What is the one true conspiracy theory?

you might be wondering why the earth is flat. the decision was never ours to make. have you ever seen a horizon??

1 vote 22 words
Bottomless pit supervisor

"I hate it here. Why did I sign up for this?" Margogle said "You signed up because you like to look into the abyss!"…

1 vote 259 words
We should feed dead bodies to rats. Discuss.

Funerals suck. Why the hell would you spend an afternoon dressed in a suit and talking to people you do not like, when you…

1 vote 125 words
Why you shouldn’t apply for Inkhaven 3

wordpress.com wordpress.com wordpress.com anyway, now that we have completed the word(s) from our sponsors, it's time for the main event... the fact of the…

1 vote 197 words
Getting mogged at confession

"father, i have been drinking," the father's robe was unusually dirty. "and that's a problem, bro?" he said. "it's destroying my life. i drink…

0 votes 206 words
The Best Little Wordhouse in Texas

In Texas, there's a wordhouse you'd really like. It's small, comforting, with a great sense of community. Inside, there are people who know all…

0 votes 98 words
Jabberwocky.

large monsters must have interesting names. if they don't then you must be precise about what they could actually do to you, what losses…

0 votes 213 words
Psycho street fighting!!!1

Back in the day, I spent months learning Krav Maga. Months? Did I say months? It was years-- and I quickly became a master.…

0 votes 299 words
Bottomless pit supervisor

Welcome to the bottomless pit. It is what I call my stomach. Anything can enter, nothing can leave. When I say anything can enter,…

0 votes 110 words